By Dr. Noel Swanson.
Almost every parent faces this problem. Some parents learn to ignore it, while others wreck their nerves over it. It leads to frustration, and countless fights and arguments. Neither is desirable. So, here are some tips to overcome it:
Before you begin this exercise, make sure you have provided enough space where all the stuff can go. If the cupboards or drawers are full and overflowing, you can’t expect them to put their stuff in them. You will have to reorganize the storage space or even install some additional shelves, boxes under the bed, or chests of drawers to accommodate all the things that are precious to your child.
Ideally you want enough storage space so that there is still some spare capacity even after everything has been tidied up. Otherwise, if everything is crammed in, it can be very hard to find anything when you want it - which makes the solution of scattering everything across the floor rather attractive.
Once you have solved the storage problem, it is time to establish a routine and appropriate expectations. Every child is different. Some, amazingly, seem to be born with the “tidy gene”. Most are not. Also, their definition of tidiness may be very different from yours. Don’t expect them to keep their room spotless every single minute of every day. Instead, try to establish, preferably by negotiation, what a reasonable standard of tidiness is, and how often that should be achieved.
Which leads on to the next consideration. What is your goal? Is your goal to teach your children how to responsibly look after their belongings - or is it that their untidiness upsets and irritates you? This is important because, in order to achieve the first goal, you will need to allow them to fail at times - ie, not tidy up, and live with the consequences of that. Which may mean that you have to put up with their untidiness for a bit longer!
Reasonable expectations could be putting things away before bed and a thorough tidy-up once a week. Then it is time to make a contract.
Once you and your child agree on the general framework of the contract, the next thing is what to do if they do, or don’t, achieve that?
Again, the focus should be on rewards not punishments. Give them earned privileges based on achieving the goal. You may want to combine them with a chart system connected to other chores.
In addition you can also use some punishments for failure, but the must be logical consequences. I.e, the punishment should fit the crime. One example of this is to use the “black bag” technique. Quite simply this states that anything still lying on the floor at 1pm on Saturday gets picked up (by parents) and put into a big black bag which is then thrown into the attic, basement or garage for a week. They can have it back if, next Saturday, the tidy goal is achieved. If not, then that week’s black bag collection is also thrown into the basement. This continues until either they run out of toys or they do some tidying up!
You can achieve tremendous success in teaching your child to tidy up his room only if you can keep a firm check on your emotions. Make sure you don’t shout and scream. As always, you can succeed by being calm but firm. Also, give full freedom to your children to do it their way. You must go up to the room at the appointed time to check.
The black bag technique works very well. No child wants to part with his belongings. At the most you might have to use it a couple of times. That is usually enough to drive home the message.
There may be times when you are expecting visitors and you need your child’s room. This is your need and out of the contract. So, remember that this is extra to your original contract, so it would be only fair to offer an additional incentive for them to tidy up. Be grateful that they are doing you a favor by lending their room to you.
About the Author
Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert parenting advice and also frequently writes for Yes Parenting website.
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